They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
