So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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