sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
