I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Please don't give away my fajitas
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
