As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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