if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
