five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
