the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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