I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We need to get me chipped asap
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
