Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
