Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
