there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
