We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
