At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
