Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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