he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
