I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she peed on how many people?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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