I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
