Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
