Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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