Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
