Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
