i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
