I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
