every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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