i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
