my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
