im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
