She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
