dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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