she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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