you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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