took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
