Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
