You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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