I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
