I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
