Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
