ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
even my farts smell like vagina
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
