My underwear smells like fireworks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Pants are for mortals
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
