he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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