i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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