someone threw a dead crab at me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
