There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
