You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
