I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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