I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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