I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
