bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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