1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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