Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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