I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
