everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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