hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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