I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
