if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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